Can we Live in the Tub?

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The Little Dilemma

I went to lunch with a friend a few months before the pandemic began. He was someone I met when I originally entered the scene, we hadn’t hung out as much as I wanted to and catching up over lunch felt nice. He was an older Daddy Dom, more experienced in the community, he was someone I looked up to.

We were discussing our play dynamics and I mentioned how frustrated I felt about my ageplay headspace. Stressing over not finding a steady and safe partner, stressing about having roles forced onto me that I didn’t want and didn’t ask for. I said, "Sometimes the pressures of being a black femme kinkster makes me want to leave the community. I just want to be little and seen as that rather than having my roles disregarded". He chuckled and told me that he didn’t really play with black women because he could never see them as soft and innocent. He told me not to take it too hard, and that it’s something that comes with the territory. He went as far as to use this to explain away my lack of ageplay partners that I could trust and feel vulnerable with.

The discussion left this ugly taste in my mouth. I didn’t broach the subject again, ended lunch early and I went home, only to find that friends were having a similar discussion in the ageplay group chat he ran. Here he was again, reiterating the same points and thinking this was merely just a preference rather than racial stereotypes at play. I left the group chat that day, and he sent me a long message trying to tell me not to be so sensitive and to stop turning down the raceplayers who wanted me to be their little, to him this was as close as I’d get to having an ageplay relationship that was fulfilling to me. If I wasn’t willing to play into the racial aspect, I may as well become a Domme in his opinion.

Black femmes have always heard this sort of trash from people, that we are loud and angry and controlling. We get hyper-masculinized by society, reminded that society does not look at us and see softness gentleness, something to protect and cherish. When adding ageplay on top, it feels overwhelming honestly.
I can only speak for myself and those I’ve spoken to, but a lot of my black little friends feel as if they are being forced out of the role they selected for themselves. Doms only contact us when they want us to be slaves or sex items, submissive men flood our inboxes demanding that we be their Goddesses and Dommes, almost always with the extreme racialization to boot. We are told that 'black littles' aren’t attractive or don’t exist, I’ve been told that being a little will stop me from having a healthy long term dynamic.

No one should be relegated to roles they didn’t want because of race. No one should be told they don’t deserve the play they desire because of race. My littleness has no attachment to my race, yet people are hell bent on forcing my race to be a huge factor in how I play and what my expectations should be. I don’t know how many times I’ve been told to lower my expectations and to play with people who I didn’t want simply because 'no one else wants to play with a black girl’. I’m not going see a crumb of attention and interest and scrounge it up. I’m worthy of more than that, we all are.

Being little and black is to stand in the face of every single derogatory stereotype about women who look like me. I am not bold, or brash, or dominating. I am not loud, aggressive, controlling. I am not your Domme and I am not your fantasy slave. I am allowed to be soft and feel seen and loved and respected without needing to play into a racial fantasy to recieve that appreciation. Black women do deserve care, we should not have to be someone we aren’t to get it, and the fact that the rest of the community (and society for that matter) has gotten so comfortable with the idea of us being forced into the role of a stoic, commanding, deity like Domme with little regard for our desires is absolutely annoying to me.

After recieving the last message from my 'friend' explaining to me that my blackness would always stand in juxtaposition with my desire to be a little, I blocked him from contacting me and went about my business. Being little and black are not opposing sides, and I refuse to play into that game or deal with anyone who does play into it.

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